life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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