How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
