Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My ATM looks so different sober.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
