I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize