all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
