Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
