How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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