Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
