Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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