so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
