dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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