I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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