Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
