sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
