i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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