she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
