He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
