I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
