They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
