Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
