you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
