Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
