I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
