If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
