Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
