I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
