oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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