I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
