I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
