Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
