Just fell off a train. Bad.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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