My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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