She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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