i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
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