ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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