Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
