did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude i'm inner monologue high
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Found your dick twin last night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
