Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize