its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
