i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
