You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Quick, to the slutcave!
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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