i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We need to rekindle our bromance
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
