My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
