I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
