i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
