But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He felt like a one man threesome
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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