tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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