3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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