Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
