Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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