Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
