This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
