tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
