I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
