Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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