Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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