if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
