I think I won the penis lottery.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
