I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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