Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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